If I Ain't Got You
by eloise177
Summary: Based on the Alicia Keys song. Santana worked hard to get all she ever wanted, but when her hectic lifestyle slows down, she realises not everything is there. Can she get what's she really wants? what she really needs... otherwise her success can't have been worth it. Three parts hopefully.


**_'If I Ain't Got You Chapter 1'_**

_Hi, so I haven't uploaded anything new in a while, and this idea popped into my head. As I said, this is based on the Alicia keys song 'If I ain't got you', so you can probably figure out from the lyrics what it's about. _

_I've become slightly obsessed with turning songs into stories lately, if all goes well with this one then I'll upload my finchel version of the Adele song 'One and only' which is kind of sad but I'm quite proud of it since I've been working on it/perfecting it for months._

_This story should be three long chapters but who knows, I might add on an extra. Once you've read, if you like it review, so I know whether to carry on or not, also if you have any other comment/suggestions, feel free to tell me. I appreciate it. Thank you =) _

* * *

Santana Lopez, the most successful, alluring and optimistic thing to come out of the present year. She had it all, but not without a mediocre struggle, she started with a half-hearted attempt to find an offer, on and off she'd pursue effort by singing in bars and looking up managers online, it wasn't until the day she walked into an elder woman while racing through central park, late for her crummy dance job, that it all kicked off.

The well dressed woman, turned out to be a hidden minx of the New York music industry, Janet Cleveland, fifty-one years young, black-skinned, vintage persona, but stunningly beautiful like most people under her influence. Instead of raging on the exhausted looking twenty-three year old, she offered a hand. Janet listened to the then innocent girl as she rambled, loosing her mind.

She breathed out heavily realising she may have just found what she was looking for, shaking Santana's left hand she exchanged her card and prayed the young women listened to her advice, "Take my card, and call me when you've found _it_"

Santana could still hear those words ringing in her ears everyday, at that moment she didn't have a clue to what she meant, she paced around her shared apartment between mixed jobs wondering what the riddle held. Five days later success, Santana found _it_, the courage to take a chance, and so she did.

Within twenty-four hours of contacting Janet she stood well dressed in her fully professional recording studio, Janet watched bewildered as she belted out the lyrics to _'I'm going down'_, her tone so raspy and strong that it attracted the attention of a couple of passers-by in the building, including one of Janet's other clients, Michael Rayne, the guy who'd just sang his latest hit at the music awards.

Santana coming to an end couldn't belive her eyes, the songs lyrics still passed through her ears as she tried to figure what was happening.

"Amazing, absolutely stunning" Michael clapped boldly entering the small room where she stood star struck with head phones hanging off her ears. He watched her nervously pull them off, she was so shy that it almost felt unhuman.

"Michael check if she's breathing please" Janet joked behind the glass screen, holding the speaker button down firmly. His chuckle snapped her from the bubble that had formed and she quickly reached out to shake his hand, greeting over Michael took interest in her voice, he explained between Janet and the still swooning Santana how he was doing a small concert in New York, and how he'd love to look into a duet with her.

_"I'm going down..."_ he began to sing without music, his voice was just as good as she'd listened to on her IPod, except now he was standing right before her. She listened and a few bars in she broke free, _"Cos you ain't around!"_ she belted out in sync, shaking him slightly.

Both finished the song and turned to a smug looking Janet, "and that Michael, is why I called you in here" she said, winking to her newest client.

Things excelled dramatically from there, at a pace she never thought was possible. She performed the same song at the small concert, though it wasn't small, it probably was to Michael, but there was more than a thousand people, at least.

It wasn't just the current star who helped her, a small tweet from Miss Blige herself sent the music world into turmoil. She didn't even know it happened until she got home that night and heard a scream that sounded as if Rachel Berry was being murdered by an angered issued Kurt, descending from her room both of them where doing that weird 'happy dance' thing they do, way to close to her for comfort.

"Hey! what happened to 'please keep the noise down, I've been awake for over twenty hours' I'm exhausted!-"

"You have to see this! look!" Rachel screeched pointing to the open laptop on the dining table.

_'Oh wow, after tonight, I may have start singing the music papers of my dearest song to a Miss Santana Lopez, beautifully done by a beautiful lady.'_

She really couldn't have cared less that her next step would be more than hypocritical to the other two room mates, she leapt so high from the floor she was sure her head hit the ceiling, screams of glory yelped from her lips, one of her biggest idols just complimented her voice, _her voice!_ small town girl, Santana Lopez.

Two weeks later back in Janet's office, another offer came through. Michael's distant friend was holding another concert but in Europe and he was looking for modern,  
young break through stars to join him. She couldn't refuse, three hours later she was standing in an airport waiting to board her plain, only now was she realising how fast paced her life was going to be.

Through these times she never lost her two closest friends, but she lost touch with reality.

After a year of hard work completely opposite to how her life was before, she got her first tour dates. For now it would only be around America, but if it was as successful as it was dubbed to be then Europe and Asia was just around the corner. Santana's proudest moment was definitely in Ohio, seeing her oldest friends and family, cheer her on in the crowd made her heart swell. Now with a large choice of her own songs, she felt like her own person.

"Get over here!" Quinn squealed like an excited thirteen year old, seeing the latest boy band concert.

They reunited, chattered on about upcoming nuptials, but stopped suddenly.

"What are you doing here?!" Santana had to shout over the screaming crowds which were still absurdly loud back stage. Brittany feeling relieved leapt into her arms and hugged out all the tension.

"I-I had to come see this" she shouted back shaking her head gently "I had to come witness everything you've achieved"

Since when did Brittany get clever? she was still the ditzy, blonde, beauty to Santana, but there was a noticeable difference in her persona. Santana wanted to cry, not sad or angry, but happy. Simply happy she still felt that connection.

"Thanks" was all that came out, luckily Brittany couldn't hear the hoarseness in her throat, or find the tears stinging her eyes. That night was amazing, but it couldn't go on forever and before she knew it, back in New York she was.

Un-characteristically she accidentally invented her own lonely hearts club, Rachel, herself and Kurt met up every week in the music studio. She was completely oblivious to how excited the other two where to be there and didn't see how they tottered around touching everything and asking random questions out of pure curiosity, instead she sat muttering about how sorry she was feeling for herself.

"Let's go get coffee!" Kurt exclaimed full of enthusiasm, but his balloon deflated when he looked to Santana face, "or antidepressants?"

She snapped out of her funk after a small lecture from Janet who was slowly turning into her mother, not that she didn't love the woman, but by God she was bossy.  
Two concert tours, a few more albums, eight extra celebrity duets and a joint clothing line later, and she'd made quite the fortune, her newest apartment consisted mostly of expensive marble and grande, French furniture, dripping in designer labels.

And she wasn't about to blow her friends off there, she kitted them out in the new materialistic products before taking them to Bora Bora, for a long 'singles'  
vacation.

"Imagine if we could just stay here forever..." Rachel dreamt aloud, the three of them lay in on towels across a wooden platform in the middle of the crystal clear,  
blue ocean nearest their room. Santana in the smallest string bikini ever wore, Rachel in a similar outfit and Kurt shyly sporting shirt and shorts, "hmm imagine"  
Santana hummed behind her sun glasses.

Though they couldn't, her career was still rocketing upwards and ditching now would be impossible. So, that was it, at twenty-nine years old it slowed, hardly, but noticeably.

"Santi honey, Jessica Welch contacted Melissa on Friday, she wants you to help her with the children's charity ball next month-"

"No."

She wasn't sure whether the instant sick feeling in the pit of her abdomen was due to self disgust since she was turning down something that was helping innocent,  
ill health and poor children, or the fact it was probably the first time in years she was standing up for her own sanity.

"Excuse me?" Janet returned with no trace of anger, just shock.

"I-I can't" she whimpered, "I can't do it anymore Jan, I just need a break" she looked as exhausted as she'd found her that faithful day running rapidly through the park. Instead of yelling and threatening with contracts she softened, Janet lowered to hug her as she leant against the desk faintly swaying.

"I can't do it anymore..." she sobbed in no time, hushing her though changed nothing, "I-I'm such a bad person!"

"Why's that honey?"

"Because I don't care anymore!" she yelled letting it all out, "I don't care about anyone, anything! all's I care about is myself and the money I own! I'm so selfish Janet..." she cried. "I have no one, my friends just about stick around, God knows why?! I hardly give them any attention and practically buy them. My family never contacts me anymore because I don't put any fucking effort into speaking to them..."

"Santana sweet heart-" Janet stood firmly before her, "those two dopes absolutely love you to pieces" Janet had become familiar with Rachel and Kurt over the past years, they where always hanging around her favourite lady, and being totally honest she kind of liked them, especially since both where in the media business themselves.

"You don't know that" she sniffled.

"Oh but I do, they're always expressing how proud of you they are honey, we all are... and your family-your family Santana, will always love you, maybe things have become strayed but they'll always be waiting for you to go back home, I promise"

"But I'm not who I was?"

Janet had to smile at how pathetic she looked, mascara tracks down her cheeks, swollen lips "Santana-" she started caressing her raven locks, "you are the same small town girl, with that sparky attitude who came into my building and sang _'I'm going down'_ all those years ago"

She did it. She calmed her with the soothing town she owned, "so why don't I feel it?" she whispered after a brief pause.

"That's for me to know, and for you to find out"

Santana pulled a face and annoyance and watched as the elder woman stood back up straight, "you're kidding right?"

"No, remember the park incident?"

_'Call me when you find it'_ chimed in Santana's brain. Only now was she realising Janet Cleveland had been her metaphorical fairy God mother all these years; she saved her from being lost, made her who she was supposedly meant to be, and gave her way too much advice for her brain to soak up over all this time.

"But what am I looking for?"

Janet shrugged with a mysterious grin, "you'll know when you find _it_" and with that, she was gone, her attention caught by another problem.

"Wait! what do I do now?" but she got no answer. Fortunately her usually busy schedule had dissolved, she knew it had something to do with Janet, but relief settled so quickly it was un-Godly. Santana gathered up her possessions knowing she wouldn't return to the studio for quite some time, her first mission was to send a text to her closest family.

Back at her luxury apartment Rachel paced, the maid let her in and began rambling in Spanish, scaring her slightly, so she now hid on the balcony trying to figure out what the code red could be. Her thoughts where soon interrupted by an equally worried Kurt holding his phone, as if waiting for it to tell him what she meant.

"Ok, this better be important! I was in the middle-"

"Please don't say sex" Santana's head popped around the glass doors, she didn't look any different to what she usually did, except her eyes looked rather teary.

"What going on Santana? a frantic text 'come to my apartment, it's an emergency' scared me a little..." Rachel scolded lightly.

"Well... I'm selling this place"

_"What?!"_ both Rachel and Kurt exclaimed in sync.

"I'm gonna move back to Lima for a while"

"Why though? I thought you loved it here" Kurt replied.

"I do, New York will always be my second home, but I need a break. I need to go be with my family for a while... I've realised all these years, all's I've cared about is what I own, physical, inanimate objects"

Rachel nodded understandingly, being truthful, she had worried about her best friend over the past few months, Santana would always be a secret softy with a heart bigger than the empire state building, but nobody else knew that. And in a way, she dubbed Santana to leave New York, and specifically, she had an idea to who she was really looking for.

"When are you coming back?" Kurt asked.

"...When I find _it_"

They didn't question her any further, she was certain it was time to leave and as her friends they were going to help her. Over the next free week, they packed up most of her belongings, some going with Kurt, who was more than delighted to look after some designer furniture when she was gone, and some going to Rachel.

To say her Mother was shocked by her call was a mild understatement, their relationship had become strained, phone calls at Christmas and a present sent on her Birthday was all contact they had. Mr Lopez, her father, however had other plans, he secretly obsessed over his daughter, Jorge loved her more than life itself,  
but Santana didn't know that. He'd gone to many of her concerts and hid in the back, he still sent her an anonymous valentines card and a bunch of red roses every February like when she was a little girl so she never felt left out, but considering how popular she was now, it was probably lost between the rest.

So when he discovered she was coming home for a while, he cried tears of joy. Santana returned to her parents home as Summer changed to Fall, each Ohio avenue were covered in brown, auburn and mustard leaves, and drizzle bounced of the concrete floor.

Paparazzi luckily, never followed her, privacy was the key to recovery.

"Santi?!" Her mother squealed in a tone she'd never heard before. Maribel Lopez quickly comes tumbling down the staircase to and stop dead in her tracks seeing her daughter in the hallway. Her face explains it all, Maribel's eyes water, seeping out emotion, her cheeks burn at how wide her smile become. Santana looks different also, even more beautiful than she last saw.

"Mami!" Santana jolts as the older woman comes at her full force and squeezes her so tight it hurts, though it feels right.

All tension and awkwardness had melted almost instantly, after a quick catch up another person re-entered her life, "Mi'ja..." Jorge Lopez breathed, he couldn't believe his eyes, his baby girl sat in their house so grown up, "hi daddy..." Santana smiled.

He also wasted no time and practically pouncing on her, hugging her till his arms ached from the strain.

"So why are you home Santana? not that we don't want you here! you can stay forever if you want-"

"Jorge!"

Santana chuckled lightly, "it's ok Mom..." she soothed, "I-I... doing some soul searchin'"

Jorge nodded, expecting something like that, "good for you Santi, maybe we could help?"

"Maybe, anyway I'm gonna go sort my things out..."

"Sure... we love you sweetheart" her father reminded standing to hug her again, "I love you guys too"

There wasn't much to sort out that night, but a while later her boredom got the better of her. Mrs Lopez got a small surprise when opening the door to her grown daughters bedroom, Santana sat perky with an innocent smile across her face, in a sea of boxes, papers and photo albums. "Hey" she said looking up.

"Uhh... hi, what are you doing?" Maribel asked cautiously, hoping it was no more than curiosity and not a full on break down.

"I was bored so I thought I'd go through all my old stuff, it's not a problem is it?"

"No, not at all. Find anything interesting?" she replied lowering onto her daughter's bed.

Santana rummaged through a pile she'd accidentally created to the left of her and brought out a small personal address book, it was obviously from a while back; rugged, torn and doodled over. "Info book" she said tossing it onto her lap. Maribel looked over the purple thing, running her fingers down the lilac ribbon holding the two main sides together, she gently opened it, the first page being a small picture of Quinn, along with a paragraph of nonsense.

They did their own thing in silence for a few moments, Santana was completely involved in her high school senior year book, her favourite page had to be the one of them at nationals, the most joyas moment of her teenage years. Coming up to the casual taken photos at the back, she felt her heart catch in her throat, both in Cheerios attire, Santana linking pinkies with Brittany, giggling away as they walked down the hallways owning the school as always.

"Do you miss her?" through the silence a timid voice asked. Mrs Lopez had been secretly watching her daughter, her heart ached when Santana's eyes discretely watered "...sometimes"

"Have you saw her over the past few years?"

"My very first Ohio concert, she was there, front row with the rest of them" Santana smiled to herself staring off into space.

Maribel wasn't about to lecture her daughter on the lesson of love, Santana wasn't stupid, she knew what she was doing, except maybe this time she didn't. The small exchange quickly blown over, and before she knew it Santana was back to looking, except that niggling voice in the back of her mind increased dramatically. What if she'd already found it and was ignoring it completely?

"Rachel Berry, get you ass in here! our best friends having a mid-life crisis and your moaning on about dry cleaning!"

She watched Kurt comically scold Rachel from in the computer screen, though in different places, they contacted each other over Skype. "I'm not having a mid-life crisis Kurt-"

"How old are you?" Rachel asked bluntly, jumping onto a chair so in full view next to Kurt at her apartment.

"What?"

"How old are you?"

"Uhh- nearly thirty" she cringed inwardly.

"So it's not really a mid-life crisis- it's more of a mid-mid life crisis" Rachel explained.

"No, a mid-mid life crisis is around twenty" Kurt corrected as Santana watched on, gormless.

"Oh so you're having a Midi-mid life crisis-"

"Does this really matter?!"

"Jeez calm down, so come on... dish the dirt"

"I think you forgot that I'm no longer on the celebrity scene Hummel?"

"How could I forget? you're on the cover of every tabloid- 'Santana Lopez disappearance', 'Santana Lopez dubbed break down', 'Santana Lopez abducted by aliens'"  
He coincidently pulled out a bunch of magazines from no where and began to read the cover of each one, getting worse each time, "'Santana Lopez moved to nudist farm, to pursue dreams'" she grinned in disbelief.

"Ok now that's just weird"

"Well it is the same magazine that's claimed you where pregnant with octuplets..."

Rachel attempt at holding back laughter didn't go unnoticed, she looked like she was choking "just because your shirt blew up in the wind!" she finally burst laughing hysterically, as did Kurt.

"Ha ha, this is all so funny..." Santana replied sarcasm engulfing her tone, "...please can we drop it now? my mom heard the word 'octuplet' and I'm convinced I can hear her having a panic attack in the next room"

Santana went on to explain her what's happened since she arrived; the obsessive reminsing, her Father's constant attempts to make her smile and have bonding time, oh and the 'Brittany' issue, though she thoroughly claims it is no 'issue'.

"Maybe you should see a therapist?" Rachel suggested now with her face buried in a large cup of coffee, Santana tutted in disgust, "I'm soul-searching not looking for a shrink! besides, imagine their reaction - hardly known physcologist office, meets legendarily famous Santana Lopez..."

"Not modest at all" Kurt coughed.

"You know I'm right Hummel, remember when we went out for lunch?"

Kurt's mind flashed back to ear-piercing screams of delight and flashes of cameras, "fair point" he mumbled subtly.

"What about your dad, he's a doctor right? he'll know someone"

"Rachel, I don't need to go to therapy!"

"We're not saying that's what you _need_, we're saying maybe it'll help..." Kurt replied supporting the small diva that sat smug beside him. Santana thought for a moment, maybe instead of actual therapy, she could find something metaphorical, like a hobby that puts her mind at peace... "I'll look into it."

Five days later, Santana's legs had somehow managed to walk her to Mickenly, she didn't even know if any of her old teachers where still there, but she thought it would be an idea to at least go look. She timed her arrival so the hallways would be empty as she could only imagine being mobbed by a sea of teenagers losing their minds.

Her outfit wasn't as fancy or expensive as usual, being back in Lima she was slowly reintroducing herself with her old roots, jeans and skimpy tops with her un-famous leather jackets. Secretly praying she'd see at least one familiar face... she got more than she bargained for.

Every single baby face fell a million miles below the ground as she entered the room with her head held high.

"Ok, so-" he first stopped dead in his tracks noticing all his students with the same guppied expression on their faces, he quickly followed their eyes to meet with the very perfect now completely grown up Santana Lopez, stalling in the doorway, but smiling widely at the familiarity.

"Santana Lopez! well I never..." they both walked towards each other open arms, "what are you even doing here?" he chuckled into her shoulder as they hugged for the first time in God knows how long.

"I've moved back home for a while, so I thought I'd drop by- it's ok isn't it?" she winced looking rather sceptical, since when they both stepped back and turned to the bunch of gormless teenagers they where all yet to move, with their mouths wide open.

"It's absolutely fine, you don't have to ask when you want to come back home" he winked. Just those words hitting her hard.

"Well I really don't think there's a need to introduce you, but anyway- class this is the very amazing Santana Lopez, to you lot Miss Lopez"

A few of them managed a hello which wavered, some even closed their mouths at long last "you-you are absolutely, completely and utterly awesome!"

Santana's eyes scanned for the voice, three people from the left on the second row a very petite brunette grinned a million watt smile, if anything she resembled Rachel Berry to a tee.

"I saw you in Ohio when I was 12!"

"I saw you back in New York when I went to see my Grandma, but it was a mixed concert"

"I have your autograph!"

Santana narrowed her eyes wondering if she should recognise the boy, "oh no, I never got it off you directly..." stuff like this happened a lot, and if anything it creeped her out. Instead of showing it she delicately returned the smile before turning to Mr Schue, "so now you've introduced me, care to-" she said gesturing to the students with her left hand.

William had stayed in Mickenly for multiple reasons, after gaining large success with his first few glee clubs he couldn't leave, he felt tethered to them. But he was much appreciated, the awards trophy which once sat empty, gaining dust could now never fit another object in there. The choir room was noticeably different, more expensive looking with newer instruments and furniture.

Pictures of each year hung around the room, and a very noticeable one in the centre, _'Nationals 2012'_ written below it on a golden plaque.

"Ok so, uhh how about you guys introduce yourselves? name, likes _etc_."

Each student sat up straight way more enthusiastic than the original glee club would have been, "I'm Chad, sophomore and I play the drums" all too familiar tweaking at her heart.

"I'm Lucy-" she swallowed ironic laughs wondering if they'd all be like this, "I'm a freshman and like harmonizing"

"Paris- Junior, I like ACDC" well he was short. After another countless amount of introductions (way more than there would have been with them) each person got on with their own thing so Will could subtly pull Santana aside and grill her about her life, though there was a lot he already knew from how public she'd become.

Santana gracefully settled in a chair opposite his desk behind the glass wall, now and then she could feel the eyes of a student in the back of her head, as weird as it felt she enjoyed how happy it made them. "So-" William chuckled unsure where to start, "you've been busy"

Santana smiled showing the tips of her perfectly white teeth, "you could say that"

"You know, you're worshipped around here?"

"I figured"

"Not just _'here'_-" Santana looked at him questioningly, "you're that little Latina girl who loved tumbling and beating the boys..."

"I was known for the wrong reasons" she fixed twiddling her thumbs.

"In glee club you weren't..." she shook her head, Will always knew how Santana secretly hated her defensive persona, before she graduated they had a very deep conversation where she promised to fix it, but Santana never saw that she did.

"Santana-" he leant forward, resting his elbows on the desk, "do you really think I was that surprised when you came up on my TV one morning known as the girl who just blew New York away at a one-off concert? when you brought out your first album? the day you toured through Ohio? heck, I wasn't even surprised when I saw you practically hanging onto Kurt and Rachel the whole time... two people you once thoroughly despised- or at least pretended to"

Santana smiled looking downwards shyly, this man was like her second father, and it felt good to have made his proud.

"I-I am not me though" she choked.

"Then who are you?" Will lay back into his chair, and met eyes with the girl, "who is Santana Lopez?"

"I don't know!"

"It's there some where Santana... you just have to find it- find yourself"

"But I'm trying, and honestly, I don't know what I want! or who I want-" she only realised what she said after it left her lips, there it was. They knew it; she knew it; the whole fricken world knew it, but it was admitting it that was the hard part.

"Ah so it's a question of someone else?" she hated when he was right. And William Schuester was right a lot.


End file.
